CelluliteQueen.com

A man and a woman who had never met before, were mistakenly assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f%#*ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted. 

The End.

On their Wedding night, the Groom begins to undress.  He tosses his pants at his new wife and tells her to put them on.

"They're too big for me" the Bride giggles. "I can't wear your pants!"

The Groom says, "That's right!  That means that I will wear the pants in this family and make all the rules!"

With that, the Bride takes off her panties and tosses them to her husband, instructing him to try them on.  

Of course, they are much too small for him, and he says, "I can't get into your panties!!"

The Bride smugly says, "You're damned right, and things will STAY that way until you change your attitude!!"

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
 
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
 
15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.  Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn!  From back there I thought you said 'GOATS'!"

A man and a woman were driving on the highway, having an argument about the man's infidelity.  The woman sliced off the man's penis and tossed it out of the car window.

The penis landed on the windshield of the vehicle directly behind them; stuck there for a moment then blew off onto the road.

In that car was a man and his young daughter.  They sat in a stunned silence, until the little girl asked her father, "What the heck was THAT!!???"

The father, not wanting to subject his child to knowing the truth, lied and told her it was a bug.

The little girl thought about her dad's answer for a few seconds, then replied, "That bug sure had a big dick!"

Two statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years.
 
On their 100th anniversary, an angel came down from heaven and said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So for fifteen minutes, he is going to allow you to become Human!"

The angel then went on to say that they would be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last century.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.

The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.

The angel instructed the statues they still had 5 more minutes left.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said,  "Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head!"