CelluliteQueen.com

I am an Equal Opportunity Offender. I do not discriminate based on age, race, religion, sexual origin, sexual positions, sexual preferences, weight, size, hair color or taste in clothing. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, and doesn't it suck to be you? Offer expires soon! Not available in stores. The most common side effects are headache, upset stomach, blurred vision, sensitivity to light and skin rash. May cause serious allergic reactions if not used properly. Do not puncture, spindle or mutilate. May contain nuts. Does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Open only in an emergency. Contents under pressure. May cause eye and skin irritation. Do not use near open flame. In case of emergency break glass. Harmful if swallowed. Do not use past expiration date. Prolonged exposure to the Sun could be harmful. Call Poison Control Center immediately. Order now! Shipping and Handling charges are additional. Do not put inside ear canal. This side up. Vapors may be harmful. May cause a sudden unsafe drop in blood pressure. Don't drink and drive, and Friends don't let Friends drink cheap wine. May cause blindness, deafness and constipation. If erection persists longer than four hours seek medical attention or come on over to my house.  This has been a Public Service Announcement. Had this been an Actual Emergency, you would have been instructed to put your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.

God decided to take the Devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a Lawyer?"

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road, and a dead Lawyer in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dead dog.

 The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, an Honest Lawyer and an Old Drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who gets it?